Growth

This happens, right? It is funny but I always look at it as kids grow, they change, they come into themselves. I see it every day. They are changing. They are growing up so much. They are making jokes that are funny, by the way this is a big thing, no more are the jokes of “How many legs does a dog have? FOUR!!!!! LOL!!!!” Seriously. They are understanding OUR jokes. Natalie’s sarcasm and wit is something to be reckoned with. Of course, I have no idea where she may have learned that. Oh the joys of parenting are many. It is one that I totally love seeing and one reason why I am glad I have the ability to homeschool. To see these changes, to see these aha moments of I get it now.

But this isn’t about the kids. Nope, just had to mention all that. I have some real big issues about a lot of things. Really, I am a pretty messed up kid. That is alright, I have come to accept that. I mean, once you hit a certain age, you don’t grow, you don’t change, right? Well, maybe that isn’t so. Okay I know it isn’t so. Some of my issues are things that I really wish I didn’t have an issue with. When faced with them though I find myself trembling inside and unable to stop the scream, okay it is more like a shriek, that comes out. I’m terrified. These two issues are BUGS and FIRE.

Really, these are bad things. Oddly, spiders do not count. These little eight legged things eat the monster bugs. The enemy of your enemy is your friend. We have an understanding, if spiders have moved into the bedroom or the kitchen they get moved. They are welcome everywhere else. Okay, now that we live in a tent those rules are relaxed some. Anyway, bugs. Wow, last year when we got here whenever I got a tick I totally freaked. There was no calming me. By the way, really hard to get a tick off of someone who is jumping around and freaking out. I wouldn’t know personally, but by the exasperated looks of my children and Jack I am guessing it is so. Then as summer went on, I could pick an unattached tick off of anywhere below my chest, if it was above total freak out still happened. Then even if it was attached I could take it off. Part of this came from having to take them off of Jack. The girls took care of most of them, but I got the ticks that were on sensitive bits. I really didn’t like that. I lived though. I could take a tick off. I didn’t die. It was an amazing thing. Still, for the most part if there was a tick one of the other four people in my family took care of it. Yes, even Gwendy can detach ticks and kill them efficiently.

So this year we moved back to the land of ticks. Okay, there are more than just ticks here but I am pretty sure that ticks outnumber anything else over here. I have found myself grown in a way. I can now pull off even an attached tick anywhere. Really, anywhere. I can do it. I no longer have to have someone else check my hair, though it is still nice. I can do this. It is an amazing thing. I still cannot kill them. I have issues killing pretty much anything. It sucks, maybe it will be another issue that I find becoming less of an issue. We will see. But still. It was pretty amazing to be laying in bed one night, find a tick on myself and calmly pull it off. I handed it to Jack and asked him to kill it and he looked at me and made a small joke about having to kill my ticks. I mentioned to him that this time last year I would have been screaming and hopping in bed telling him that there was a tick on me somewhere and to KILL IT!!!! He nodded and admitted that I have come a long way. Old people can change. I’m proof

My other issue fire well, it is also getting better. I have been burned a few times. My experience with fire has never really been positive. I always joke that I was burned as a witch in a past life. I really wonder if it is true, it certainly feels that way. This has been a slower one for me. When we lived in Washington we had a gas stove. I had issues. I could light it, but it totally freaked me out. I grew to love my gas stove though and I wouldn’t willing cook on anything else now. Of course, I could not light it if the power went out. I just couldn’t. Too much. I could light candles, with like those super long lighter thingies. Yeah, I could do that, it was far enough away. So I had limits on my handling of fire. They were getting better also. Still, the site or even thought of a bonfire filled me with terror, seriously, terror.

We moved here last year and it become freeze or figure out how to light a fire and be warm. So I did it. I never handled the fire like Jack. I could not and would not move logs around while there was a fire in it, holy crap no. There was also, if you want to read or do anything past sunset, you must light a lamp. Again, we had those long lighter thingies and this wasn’t so hard. It was hard for me though to let my children have a lamp to read by. Seriously, maybe my kids were also burned at the stake in a past life. I have always felt totally freaked by the kids being around fire. I realize that this isn’t how most people feel. Still, it is there. There was also that if I wanted to cook, I had to light the stove. We had no pilot light, so there was fire and a decent amount of it involved. Freaked me out.

Fast forward to this year, again there was warmth needed. I built fires and not only built fires but kept fires going, which involves sticking your hand into the fire box where there is fire to add more wood. See the growth? A big change this year was that our nifty lighters died. Jack thought that they were too expensive, he got matches. I have never lit a match, They freak me out. I mean seriously you move it across something and fire just happens? And it is a wooden stick that could take fire all the way down to your hand? Really? I thought he was freakin insane and totally pissed at him. It was wrong. He was working. I had no other option but to light these things, or freeze. Hell no was I going to let my children take on this danger. So I did it. Oh it was totally freaky for me for a long while. When I frantically went to blow out the match half the time I would blow out the lamp also. I got better though. Am getting better. I am no longer so worried that I will spontaneously burst into flames just because I am near fire. I have come a long way. 🙂

So, this might be a boring post for you and if it is, I am sorry. Really. It means a lot to me though to see myself getting better at things that I just thought were a part of me. A part that I wanted to change but couldn’t see a way to. It does make sense that if you put yourself in a position where you have no other option other than to change or be miserable that you change. People can change. I do wish that the miserableness didn’t have to be a part of it. It would be nice if you could say, hell, I don’t want to be _______ anymore and then just do it. Le Sigh. Still, it is better then nothing, right? So here is to positive change, growth and becoming a better person!

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